Slowly burned out.

I haven't been excited to wake up in the morning for a long time.

Everything seems kind of unattainable to me. Nothing feels real.

I think part of me thought I would die before high school ended, because right now I feel like I'm in Limbo.

Everyone thinks I'm some kind of music guy. In reality, I have never written a song of my own. Not one that's completely original.

I can never seem to pull it together.

I wrote a song for a girl I liked a lot a year ago. We didn't have a whole lot in common, but some part of me still thinks that she could have been something special.

I started talking to her again recently, and ever since I've been randomly humming that song in my head.

I would do just about anything for a chance.

And that's the first time I've been serious about doing something in ages. I would actually be motivated for that chance.

I need to go somewhere. Get something done that actually matters to me.

I've been really lonely lately.

Random thoughts complete.

Reason and Reaction

The line between reality and your thoughts blurs after enough time thinking.

Sometimes I'm unsure whether the things I'm doing are real or if I'm just imagining it.

Time feels long and short all at once.

I have conversations with people I haven't talked to in years. I have conversations with younger versions of myself and my friends.

I wonder why that kid chose me as his last person to talk to.

Did that mean something?

I hate rationality.

But it's all I've got left.

One day one of these fantasies I play in my head will actually be carried out.

Once I decide it's rational to do something irrational.

Heart

Like a turning clock

Speak a rhythm

Consistent, structured, calming

It shall be imperfect

Yet it will do the best it can

It speaks from the innermost self

Clouded eyes cannot understand

They block the mind

The mind can not understand

The rhythm doesn't lie

When it speaks

Of love, of happiness, of peace

It does not lie

Though the clouded mind's eye can not comprehend

It is harder to see

Love, happiness, or peace

Than it is to see

Imperfection, loss, sadness

Mind Vomit

I don't want to sleep.

Because I don't want to wake up again.

I feel the shittiest in the morning and at night. 

I hate this stasis I'm in. 

I tried to write music again.

I have nothing to write about. 

I'm so bored.

None of this is making any sense. 

Conceptual Happiness.

It irks me that everything we do or see is a concept. 

It's human nature to take something they feel and put words or reason to it. Music, art, poetry, all do this.

Don't get me wrong, I love music, I love poetry. It's just that it creates an expectation for the feeling it describes.

You get to the point where you look for the concept rather than the actual emotion.

I want, in my mind, to separate the concept from what it is to actually feel something. I want to look at someone and not think "Wow, I love her."

I want to look at her and feel it. 

I think that's what I've been missing.

Make it real. Make it beautiful.

I just can't be happy where I am. 

I'm alone, so I want to be with people. 

I'm with people, and I just want to be alone. 

Had I done the best I could with my life, I think everything would be different. 

Looking at the sky wouldn't be so depressing. 

Seeing a beautiful girl wouldn't be so foreboding. 

I want to write a novel. 

Finish a song.

Film a movie.

Something.

Anything.

Anything to make it so that, even though I ruined everything I wanted, I can still do something.

I can still make something new. 

Make a little piece of reality that makes everything just a little better. 

Beauty is anything. Beauty is creation.

I want to make beauty.

Not just stare at it, longing for just a touch.

I want this.